Everyone wants to have a healthy, happy relationship with their partner — especially during the stressful global events happening right now. But getting to a balanced state can sometimes be difficult.
You might be wondering:
How do I balance out my needs with the needs of my relationship?
How do I maintain my sense of self while not getting lost in my partner's thoughts and feelings?
How do I prevent my feelings from misguiding my thoughts and preventing me from working through my relationship issues?
All of these are valid questions — and important to understand if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. The answer to these questions? Differentiation, or “ the ability to be intimately close to your partner without losing yourself.”¹
If you can master differentiation, you’ll strengthen your emotional connection and increase the intimacy in your relationship.
What is Differentiation in a Relationship?
As I noted, differentiation in a relationship is maintaining your individuality while also being intimate with your partner.
But what exactly does that mean?
When it comes to the emotional health of your relationship, there are three ways you can interact with your partner: fusion, cut-off, or differentiation.
Doctors Paul-Roy Taylor and Rayj Abulhosn from Choosing Therapy, describe it in an easy-to-understand visual. Imagine a couple walking in the park, hugging each other so tight you can’t tell one from the other.² This represents the idea of fusion, or one partner trying to merge with the other by giving up their individuality. It’s most often used as a coping technique when you’re anxious, upset, or afraid. You want to appease your partner and get back to a calmer state, so you try to smooth things over without addressing the issue.
Now picture a second couple walking side-by-side with six feet of space between them, completely ignoring each other. This represents the idea of cut-off or choosing to completely disengage from the relationship.² Both of you choose to maintain your individuality and not be intimate with the other person. This can be physically represented by moving away to another city or not communicating for an extended period of time. It could also be more subtle like living together, but feeling a mile-wide chasm between you.
Finally, picture a third couple holding hands, laughing, and chatting with each other. This represents the idea of differentiation in a relationship. Each partner maintains their sense of self but there’s still a level of intimacy with each other. This is the balanced state you want to achieve with your partner to maintain a healthy relationship.
The Influence of Family
It’s important to note that family can influence your ability to differentiate in a relationship.
Growing up, you’re around friends and family who teach you how to act in a relationship. If these influencers use fusion or cut-off techniques, then you will learn the same thing — and pass it on to your own children.
Why? Because differentiation isn’t something you’re born knowing how to do. Unless an influencer learns how to differentiate and teaches it to you, it’s a case of you don’t know what you don’t know.
As you grow up, however, life events — like going to therapy — can change how you handle relationships. You can learn to differentiate, pass this skill on to your children, and change the cycle.
Understanding Your Level of Differentiation
When measuring your ability to differentiate, oftentimes it’s referred to as “levels.” More specifically, low and high levels. But how do you know where you're at?
If you grew up learning fusion or cut-off techniques, then you’re at a low level of differentiation. This means you’ve mastered intimacy with your partner or maintaining your individuality in the relationship, but not both.
However, if you’re able to balance both of these aspects in your relationship, then you’re at a higher level of differentiation. This is always your goal — to increase your ability.
If you’re still not sure of your level, think about how you interact in your relationship. Ask yourself:
Do you tell your partner you’re feeling OK when you really aren’t?
Do you hide how you’re feeling so you don’t feel vulnerable?
Do you try to match your partner’s feelings and ignore your own?
Do you use unhealthy coping techniques to feel better?
Do you avoid talking to your partner and let go of problems instead of solving them?
These are just a few of the questions to help you determine your level. The more often you answer “no,” the higher your level of differentiation.
Now that you’re able to get an idea of where you’re at, there are a few things to keep in mind:
Most people start at a lower level — it goes back to the influence of family and not knowing how to differentiate as you grew up.
Differentiation is a skill that takes practice and time to learn — you won’t be perfect at it right away.
Since it’s a skill, your levels can vary over time — and as different challenges arise in your relationship.
The good news is you can learn to differentiate. You can improve your relationship, not just with your partner, but with friends and family too.
3 Tips to Improve Your Level
Now that you understand differentiation, you’re ready to improve your level. So how do you do this?
Here are three key tips to get you started and guide you in your relationship:
Be yourself. Try to maintain your sense of self. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, hide your real thoughts and feelings, or ignore the parts of yourself you don’t like.³ And remember who you are. It can be hard to do this when talking to your partner about a difficult topic — but do your best.
Keep calm and soothe yourself. When you feel out of control, try to find a place of calm and inner stillness so you can process your thoughts and feelings. Use healthy coping techniques to deal with those tough emotions, like mindfulness exercises, meditation, or talking to a therapist.
Stay grounded. Don’t let your thoughts, actions, or behavior be overrun by your emotions. It’s ok to feel and process them, but don’t let those emotions guide your decisions. When your partner is feeling overly emotional, try to make space for their feelings. Really hear what they’re going through without losing yourself in their emotions.
Differentiation is something you learn through interactions with others, over and over again. It isn’t something that you practice in a bubble. So be gentle with yourself as you go through this process.
You Can Master Differentiation
Finding a healthy balance in your relationship is possible, especially when you practice differentiation. It’s not something you’ll instantly know how to do, but you can master it.
You can learn techniques that help you grow as an individual and in your relationships. You can also increase the intimacy in your relationship, find your confidence, and strengthen your emotional connection — all with a few key tips.
